


City Lights

by nyctophiljc



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Car Accidents, It'll get better don't worry, Kinda sad at first, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Short Chapters, i guess??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-02-03 21:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12756567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyctophiljc/pseuds/nyctophiljc
Summary: Chan didn't belong in this city.Soonyoung thought the city was for him, until it wasn't.(Or maybe they're all out of place.)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> ok helloooooo. a soonchan fic heh FINALLY :D
> 
> anyway this story was basically for my old fic in wattpad with the same title lol so if u recognize the story, it's just basically mine. although i unpublished that story now. HOPE Y'ALL LIKE THIS
> 
> ALSO HEADS UP!! this fic will switch pov's per chapter soooo ye

 

 

 

> Are you a lucky little boy in the City of Light? Or just another lost angel... City of Night?

 

**C H A N**

 

 **IT WAS ALWAYS** the thunder that kept him awake at night.

The old thin white covers felt like parchment paper against his skin. The bed wasn’t comfortable either but it would suffice for his need to sleep. The dark room was lightened up every once in a while by the lightning shining through his window. The rain splattering on his window made him deaf. He couldn’t care less about these things. But it was always the thunder that kept him awake at night.

His head throbbed a little.

He had been awake for days, after all. Or was it weeks? He shook his head; he didn’t care when was the last time he got sleep. He sighed and sat up with a groan.

He put the white curtain aside.

The city was small before him. The lights glimmering like the stars in the dark abyss. He put his palm on the window glass, feeling the cold sensation run through his arms to his spine. He pulled the covers tightly around him.

The silence rang in his ears as he watched the beautiful city beneath him.

It was always the city for him. It was never home since he lost his home a long time ago. Tall buildings, busy people, loud surroundings, and lights could never replace home. Home was home; the city was an ersatz home made to deceive people. Home was supposed to be miles away from this beautiful mess. Home should make you feel like warm, not cold like the city.

_BOOM._

He jumped a little, the covers in his hands. When he realized that it was just the thunder, he relaxed a little.

This was why the city was never home, and never going to be home. At home, you were never alone, but what could he do? The city never wanted to be with him in the first place. He hated it and the city hated him. This was one of the nights when he needed home but the city could never gave it to him. Nothing could.

The streets were empty today because it was raining. Usually, the streets didn’t sleep, even at 3 a.m., the streets were wide awake. He noticed how sad and empty the streets were without the people.

He watched as a car drove fast, slamming into another car that he failed to notice coming from the opposite direction. He sat there for a moment, frozen. Every sound seemed to die down or maybe he had finally gone deaf. His body tensioning, he felt dizzy and anxious, and his throat was dry. Water. He needed water.

The cry from the sky rattled his windows and pulled him away from his thoughts. He scrambled to get his phone on his nightstand. He went back to the window as he dialed 119.

The air was suffocating.

And the first car wasn’t there anymore.

“ _One-one-nine, what’s your emergency?_ ”


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think I’m going crazy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally christmas break so here we go. also the chapters are gonna be quite short ig

 

**S O O N Y O U N G**

 

**“HOW ARE YOU DOING?”**

When he first woke up a few hours ago, his head was pounding. He was glad that the nurse gave him painkillers. Now that his friends were here, the effect of the painkillers seemed to vanish. He felt the stale bread and bland porridge from this morning coming up his throat.

He managed to give his friend, Wonwoo, a small nod. “I’m fine, thanks.”

His other friend, Seokmin, took the chair beside his bed. “Thank goodness, you have no broken bones. You’ll be in shape before we know it,” he said, smiling.

The unusually quiet Seungkwan was at the end of the bed and finding more interest on his fiddling hands. Soonyoung noticed the hard emotion on the younger’s face and frowned.

“If you’re blaming yourself for what happened, I swear to God—”

The boy finally spoken up. “But it is my fault!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Soonyoung said. “No one knew that this was gonna happen.”

Soonyoung was angry at Seungkwan for thinking something like that. He knew that Seungkwan knew that he was right but the younger one was stubborn. Seungkwan was innocent and the only one to blame here was the driver that crashed into his car. Soonyoung clenched his fists.

“I let you go and I should’ve make you spend the night at my place but I didn’t,” Seungkwan said in a low voice, his head down. “Now, this happened to you.”

“You offered and I declined so it’s not your fault, okay?” Soonyoung said. “Plus, Seokmin said it, I’m perfectly fine, I have no broken bones. I’ll be back on my feet in no time.”

Soonyoung was relieved when he saw the tension on Seungkwan’s shoulders go away. He didn’t want his friends to worry about him. They also got a lot on their plate and Soonyoung didn’t want to add himself. He was happy to see his friends, he felt like he hadn’t seen them in a long time when last night they were together to make their group report.

Wonwoo informed him that his parents were on their way here. Soonyoung wanted to call his parents and told them to go back and not to worry but he knew that would make them worry even more so he decided that the idea wasn’t good.

He and his friends didn’t run out of things to talk about. He was happy to see Seungkwan came back to his old self and even Seokmin who was loud as ever. That was how he liked things: true and normal. He didn’t like it when something was unusual. The jigsaw piece that was never going to fit. He wanted to remold it and make it fit.

Seokmin told him that his other friends would come by after class. Unfortunately for them, today was presentation of the group report. Wonwoo, Seungkwan, and Seokmin were allowed to present the next day as their other group mate was in the hospital. So the three ditched classes instead and went to visit him.

When Soonyoung ate lunch, he felt sleepy and the others left so he could get some rest again. To his dismay, he didn’t fall asleep. He spent the next few hours looking at the white ceiling.

He put his arms up and noticed the bruises running up on his pale arms. He let his arms fell by his side as he heaved a sigh. He just wanted to sleep. His eyelids were heavy, his body was asleep but his mind was screaming. Was this normal?

He couldn’t wait to get out of this prison they called hospital. He didn’t like it, it wasn’t normal for him. There were so many things he couldn’t do, the food tasted like they were cooked by some kids. He bet children could actually cook better. The only thing he liked was the white walls and white ceiling and white flooring. White was serene and it looked good on anything.

The quiet atmosphere bothered him.

“I think I’m going crazy.”


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rough day?” the boy asked.
> 
> Chan only gave a loud noise from slurping his noodles. But the boy seemed to have mistaken the action for interest and not indifference.
> 
> “Me too,” he said. “I wish I can have my diploma without studying but nope, college is a little bitch to everyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i haven't forgotten this (and my other work) after all huh

 

**C H A N**

 

 **THE SKY WAS** a blank canvass painted with orange, yellow, and a tint of pink. The clouds were thin feathers unlike yesterday, they were heavy and dark. He swayed his hands like how a painter would. He smiled to himself at the satisfaction of seeing the exquisite masterpiece. Based on the scenery outside, he guessed that it was already 6 p.m., and his day was just starting.

Looking at the city through his thin dirty window had became one of his daily routines since he first came here. The city was mostly the same everyday but it didn’t stop Chan anyway. It became a part of him now.

He heard his stomach grumbling. It had been almost a day since he last eaten and he was suddenly craving for black bean noodles. He looked through his kitchen cabinets and didn’t find any packets of the said noodles. He actually found nothing in the cabinets. When was the last time he ate again? He slammed the thin piece of wood close, making a loud sound like it was going to break into two.

Chan wore the nearest pants he could find and grabbed his jacket from the rack beside the door. He counted his money and nodded, he could buy a large bowl of black bean noodles. His stomach made a loud sound again at the thought of food.

He locked his door when he got out. He didn’t really know why did he still bother on locking the door when if someone would kick it, it would literally break in half. He hated the old wooden door that much. He could hear everything from the other rooms in the hallway. And if he was still hearing things right, the person at the end of the hallway was enjoying watching something inappropriate.

If he was feeling it, he would take the stairs instead of the slow, old elevator—he was afraid that the cables would snap soon—but he wasn’t feeling it today. He had to wait for five minutes for the elevator to come up and he was only on the fifth floor. When the doors opened, it was empty. He was relieved that no one was there, elevator rides with someone always made him uncomfortable.

The landlady gave him a look as if she was judging him. It was his first time going out of his apartment since last week so he cut the landlady some slack. He would judge himself too if he was the landlady.

The sun was already gone when he stepped out of the building. Chan was a foreigner outside. He didn’t belong here like these many people did. Outside was too loud and there were too many faces that he barely managed to remember them. He stood there doing nothing, people bumping into him (“Hey, watch it!”, “You’re not in a goddamn park, move!”, “Are you lost?”). Despite that, outside was beautiful in its own way. The glass buildings were reflecting the sky, streetlights started to light up, and a few trees were dancing gracefully. Chan smiled.

The smile didn’t last long as a fast car passed by which made his eyes landed on the road. The horrendous accident replayed in his head for the umpteenth time. He felt sick and he wanted to empty his stomach even though it was already empty. He tore his gaze away after a moment, and started to walk to the nearest cheap restaurant he could find.

Chan didn’t know where his feet were taking him until he saw the familiar lights and the signage. He was near the market and he could smell various of street foods that made him hungrier than he already had been, if that was possible. He found the cheap restaurant that served good noodles. He went in and sat on one of the stools. He ordered for a bowl of black bean noodles and it was served to him minutes later.

He leaned his head back as he took his first bite. To say that he was happy that this place existed was an understatement. The food were good and everything was cheap. He couldn’t ask for more. Within a few minutes, Chan found himself indulging another bowl.

“One bowl of what he’s having,” a familiar voice said beside him.

Chan turned his head and found one of those college boys that resided in his building. The boy looked at him and gave him a smile, showing off his dimples. Chan looked away and continued to eat.

“Rough day?” the boy asked.

Chan only gave a loud noise from slurping his noodles. But the boy seemed to have mistaken the action for interest and not indifference.

“Me too,” he said. “I wish I can have my diploma without studying but nope, college is a little bitch to everyone.”

The boy’s order came and he started to eat. Chan was thankful that he was finally not talking anymore. He could be real annoying sometimes but Chan always ignored him. He was the only one he could call friend in this place, if their relationship was even called friendship, that was.

Chan often saw the boy since they lived in the same floor. Actually, he was living right next to his apartment. Sometimes, they would be going out of their apartments at the same time. Chan couldn’t remember the first time the boy talked to him but he figured it could be the time when the boy got locked out of his own apartment because he forgot his keys inside and his roommate was out for the night. He asked to stay inside Chan’s apartment but the latter ignored him. He gave him ramen and a glass of water instead. It was midnight when he heard his roommate got home. They were arguing, and Chan had to knock the door so they would quiet down. He hated the doors at the apartment so much.

He drank the glass of water that was given to him when he finished eating. Giving a small nod to the boy next to him, he stood up and went outside.

“Be careful!” He heard the boy shouted as he walked out of the restaurant.

There were still many people outside. This was the market after all. Everyone seemed to be here during nighttime. Many street foods were sold here and there were also many cheap restaurants. Most of the adults went to the bar, of course. What’s the good thing to reward yourself after facing tons of work? Alcohol, of course. Chan wanted to have one but he was short on money now. He bought spicy rice cakes instead.

As he was walking his way back to the apartment, he heard the familiar voice of the boy again.

“Hey, Chan!”

Chan stopped walking. Did he tell him his name? Then he must had told him his name too but Chan couldn’t remember anything. He spun around to see the boy jogging toward him. They started walking when he was next to him.

“On your way home?” he asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Chan frowned. Not home, no, never. “Back to the apartment,” he mumbled.

The boy smiled widely. “It’s the second time I heard you talk again!” He was like he was celebrating his seventh birthday. And the first time must have been when he told him his name, which he couldn’t still remember.

The boy was non-stop talking all the way back to their floor, and Chan wished he had his earphones with him. He didn’t care if that would look rude, ignoring him was bad enough but the boy seemed not to care, so why not level it up? He couldn’t even remember the things he told him. The boy bade him goodbye as he went inside his apartment, Chan only nodded in return.

Chan got inside his own and leaned against the door. He felt exhausted. Without bothering to turn the lights on, he hung up his jacket on the rack and put the spicy rice cakes in the fridge. It would be his food for tomorrow. He removed her shoes as he dragged his feet to the bed.

He got in his bed, feeling satisfied. The lights outside were coming through the window so he faced his dark apartment instead. He never turned the lights on for he was more comfortable in the dark. In the dark, you could be your own person because no one will see you to judge you; you didn’t need to hide because no one could find you; he could be himself in the dark and he loved it. He knew he couldn’t be the only one.

Everyone had a secret dark place that they loved.

Closing his eyes to pull away from his dangerous thoughts, he let out a breath.

And for the first time, he didn’t look outside the window before he went to a sleep full of dreams.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was three in the morning when Soonyoung found himself in his bed. He didn’t bother to remove his jacket and shoes, he didn’t have the energy to do so. He took a deep breath, staring at the dark ceiling. What was happening to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter bc why the hell not

  
**S O O N Y O U N G**

 

 **SOONYOUNG HAD NEVER** felt this alive before. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through his veins. The big chunk of metal was out of his throat, making him breathe easily again. There was also an unusual sensation in his stomach. What did they call that again? Butterflies in your stomach? Yes, something like that but worse. Soonyoung felt like there were massive dragons in his stomach.

He had been in the hospital for a week now. Today, he’s going to be discharged and the word happy wasn’t even enough to describe what Soonyoung was feeling. As the days passed by in the hospital, Soonyoung grew sick of it even though the white walls calmed him. Just the fact that there were people dying or dead in the same building as him made him want to sprint away.

Soonyoung reminded himself again that he’s alive.

The car ride back to his home town was silent. The only sound inside the car was the jazz music playing at the background which was drowned by the rain. Sitting uncomfortably at the back of his parents’ car, Soonyoung watched as the droplets of rain slid down the car window. The raindrops made everything outside disoriented but for Soonyoung, everything was disoriented long ago, we just didn’t want to see it so we made a happier reality of our own. He loved the rain, he could feel the raindrops go past through the window and seep through his fingertips to his veins until they reach his brain. He would sigh because of the relaxation it brought. But that was before. He hated the rain now and he didn’t know how to avoid it because rain was everywhere. He never thought that the rain would made him more disoriented than he already was.

* * *

All of Soonyoung’s friends were happy when he went back to the university. Junhui even threw a party at his house—yes, he already owned a house at the age of twenty which made everyone else envy. Soonyoung refused to come but he could hear Junhui’s voice inside his head, “What’s the point of throwing a party when the reason of throwing the party isn’t there?”

Here he was, in front of Junhui’s house in his white shirt and battered jeans. He sighed and went inside, not bothering to knock since this was practically one of his second houses already. He saw Seokmin right away in the living room, telling a story in the middle of the circle of people. Soonyoung could tell the boy was already drunk. Seokmin had been always the first one to be drunk in any party.

“Soonyoung! You made it!”

It took Soonyoung a few seconds to spot the person with a very familiar voice.

“Seungcheol, hey,” he said to the black-haired boy with a smile.

Seungcheol put his arm around Soonyoung’s shoulders. “You good?” he asked as he led the latter to the kitchen.

Soonyoung noticed a few similar faces who smiled at him and greeted him. He had been the center of attention a few times but he didn’t know it. Being aware that everyone’s looking at you was different, he didn’t like it. It was like there were pairs of eyes watching his every move, looking for a flaw. “Yeah. Thank you for the fruits you sent, by the way,” he answered.

The older boy gave him a smile. “You’re welcome,” he said. “Sit there, what drink do you want? No alcohol for you.”

Soonyoung saw the black leather couch that Seungcheol pointed at. It looked very out of place in the kitchen. Why Junhui even added a couch in his kitchen, he had no idea. Seungcheol’s statement made him laugh. The older boy had been always caring about them. So Soonyoung requested a can of Coke instead, just not to make the older boy worry. He caught the can of Coke Seungcheol threw swiftly and opened it up. The other boy plopped down next to him as he opened his beer.

“You’re still living in your apartment?” Seungcheol asked.

Soonyoung looked at him ridiculously. Why wouldn’t he be? His apartment was a little far from the school unlike the others’ but he had a car so it was okay. Well, since his car was still getting fixed, he commuted this morning. It had been a long time since he last commuted so it didn’t make him feel good. He loved his apartment, the view was beautiful and it was cozy. “Yeah, why?”

“The apartment near ours has been empty for weeks now so, you know, if you wanted to move…”

Why was Seungcheol even bringing this up to him? He nodded nonetheless. “Sure, maybe I’ll think about it,” he said.

Seungcheol gave him a smile again. “That’s great!” He patted the younger’s shoulder. “Hey, is it okay if I leave you here? I forgot I have something to tell to Jisoo.”

Soonyoung nodded. “Yeah, sure.” With that, the older boy left.

Soonyoung took a small sip of his almost forgotten Coke. The acid went down his throat to his veins and made his body tingle. Somehow, he forgot about the loud music blasting that made his heart vibrate. He leaned back his head on the couch and closed his eyes. He heard loud whoops somewhere in the house, probably in the living room. He guessed that Seokmin and Seungkwan were there, and normally, Soonyoung would be there too but not today. He felt so tired today and he wasn’t drunk enough to do whatever they were doing.

“There you are!”

Soonyoung jolted up right, spilling his Coke on his lap. “Shit,” he muttered, placing the can on the floor. He heard the unmistakable “Ha-ha-ha” laugh. He looked at the doorway. “Hey, Jeonghan.”

“Everyone’s looking for you,” the older boy said and went to the fridge and pulled out a large box of pizza. Of course, they were. Everyone’s excited to see Soonyoung again, after all. “So how is our precious boy doing?” Jeonghan was always fond of giving nicknames to other people. He took a bite of the cold pizza and sat down next to Soonyoung. He offered the pizza to Soonyoung which he politely declined. He didn’t like cold pizzas.

“I’m fine but tired,” he answered honestly.

“You could sleep in Junhui’s bedroom if you want, I know he won’t mind,” Jeonghan offered.

Soonyoung knew Junhui wouldn’t mind, of course, he wouldn’t. But Soonyoung didn’t want to be bothersome in the morning. “Maybe not, I’m still good.” He gave the older boy a thumbs up.

Jeonghan shrugged. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

“Hiding from everyone else?”

The two boys on the couch looked at the doorway. Leaning against it was none other than Wonwoo, behind him was his tall best friend, Mingyu—another boy from Soonyoung’s year. Soonyoung gave a smile. It might looked like Soonyoung was in the kitchen all this time because he was tired but actually, he was hiding from everybody else. Wonwoo had always been good at reading people but no one could read him, except Mingyu. Those two could like communicate telepathically.

“Well,” Soonyoung put his hands up in defeat, “you got me.”

“By the way, Jeonghan, Seungcheol is looking for you,” said Mingyu.

Jeonghan stopped chewing to look at Mingyu. Then he dropped the box of pizza on the ground and went to find Seungcheol. The other two took the remaining space on the couch.

“So we heard that you’re moving apartment,” Mingyu stated.

Soonyoung frowned at the statement. “Moving? I’m not moving. I said maybe I’ll think about it,” he defended.

Mingyu shrugged. “Well, that’s what Seungcheol’s telling everyone,” he said. “And I think it’s a good idea to move.” Wonwoo nodded in agreement.

“Why would you say so?” Soonyoung asked.

“It’s walking distance from school, I think you’d be safer,” Mingyu replied.

“Accident can happen anywhere, Mingyu,” he retorted.

“I know but your car is wrecked and it’s gonna take weeks for it to be fixed and you’re apartment is like two hours away in terms of commuting. There’s also no traffic if you live there, you know?” Mingyu explained.

Soonyoung sighed. Why was everyone pressing him about moving? Was it because of the accident? Did they actually believe that it might happen again? Soonyoung shivered at the thought of it happening again. No, it wouldn’t happen again but he wasn’t going to leave his apartment either.

The voices of his two friends engaged in a conversation was far away. He wanted to rip his hair off. New apartment meant there were going to be a lot of changes and he didn’t like the sound of that. He’d been staying at his apartment for almost two years already. The first time he moved places was difficult to bear, he didn’t want that to happen again.

After finishing his not-cold Coke and catching up with all his friends, Soonyoung went home. Wonwoo offered him to take a ride with them but Wonwoo and Mingyu’s apartment was on the opposite direction so he declined. Most of his friends didn’t have a car and were living nearby so going home late wasn’t hassle. Now, Soonyoung understood what Mingyu was talking about hours ago. It was already one in the morning, and not having his car with him was very hard. There were only a few buses and he was lucky to found one that had route including his street.

It was three in the morning when Soonyoung found himself in his bed. He didn’t bother to remove his jacket and shoes, he didn’t have the energy to do so. He took a deep breath, staring at the dark ceiling. What was happening to him? He wasn’t being his normal self and he hated it.

He looked at his studio type apartment. He loved the place, really. Even though it was small, it reminded him of his bedroom back at home. Just like semantic satiation, the more he looked at the apartment, the more its meaning faded away. He was still happy in this place, right? Why was the sudden urge of finding a better place in his mind? No, in his heart, actually. Before, this apartment was a part of Soonyoung. He knew the crevices and every little imperfection it had, but now he felt like the place was ripped off him. There was something odd since he came out of the hospital and he couldn’t put a finger on it. And now, he realized what it was. This apartment was his second home, he was his normal self here but after the accident, all the memories were stripped off and this small room became the place where he was supposed to go before he almost died.

Looking around the place one last time before he closed his eyes, he shuddered.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan would never admit it but there was always a tiny part of him that wanted to go back home. He left a piece of him that he wanted to get back and bring it with him in this city. Only that piece of him would make him call this place home.

 

**C H A N**

**THE DRIED LEAVES** were falling. That was the first thing Chan noticed when he woke up—opened his eyes, really—and not the fact that his white ceiling was replaced with a blue one and had moving white puffs on it. He also dismissed the fact that the quiet place was loud today, he could hear constant chattering, footsteps, and even faint sound of vehicles nearby. How the hell were there cars in his room?

Chan jolted up. He wasn’t in his room, he never had been all night. He was at the park, almost a kilometer away from his apartment. He had decided to stroll around the city last night since he couldn’t asleep but he couldn’t remember how he got there. He didn’t usually visit the park so he was a bit confused on why he decided to go there.

He rubbed his eyes as he yawned. It wasn’t unusual for him to fell asleep in random places. Maybe it was a luck that something never happened to him or maybe other people were afraid of him. Who wouldn’t be? Quiet person sleeping in public places in hooded jacket with sore, red eyes, long nails, and dark aura was absolutely a scary sight for most people. But Chan wouldn’t call it sleeping since he never actually slept. Yes, his eyes were closed but was his mind drifting off too? No, his mind never liked to take a break. It was always wide awake.

Chan was wearing a jacket but the cool wind made him shiver and snuggle closer to him jacket. It was beautiful at the park. There were a lot of flowers, different kinds of them, and the trees and other plants gave relaxation to everyone. But the flowers were no longer beautiful and colorful, their heads were bent down, their color was brown and they were thin and crispy, as if it was fading away from existence. The leaves weren’t attached to the trees anymore. Most of them were on the ground, crackling whenever someone stepped on them. Someday, he would be in the ground and people would walk above him not knowing that he was even there.

Standing up, Chan brushed the leaves and the dirt off his clothes. He checked his pocket and felt the crunched-up papers inside. Good. Now all he had to do was to find a convenience store or maybe a really cheap restaurant. So he started to walk around the park.

The park was fairly big than most of the parks he went to when he was a kid. There was a playground and Chan could hear the faint crying of a child. There were also many street food stalls but Chan wanted something that would make him full until nighttime. Finally, he spotted a convenience store across the street.

The convenience store was empty when he walked inside except for the cashier who was on his chair, reading a comic with his elbows propped on the counter. Chan went off to get a ramen, three triangle kimbap, and a bottled water. As he was on his way to the counter, another boy emerged from the side door. He looked like his shift just got over and was on his way out. He frowned when he saw the cashier paying more attention to his comic than his surroundings.

“There’s a customer, stop reading,” he said.

The cashier immediately sat up straight and hid his comic under the counter. The other boy shook his head and went off. Chan approached the counter, and he noticed that the cashier was flushed because of the embarrassment. He paid for his food and made himself comfortable at one of the tables.

As he was eating, Chan wondered if this was going to be his life until he die: wandering in the streets late at night, waking up in random places, surviving off convenience store food—and she suddenly thought about money. His money would run out soon and he needed to find another job which he was dreading for. Chan’s last job made him hide for almost three months. It was a good thing he never told his address to the owner of the small restaurant.

When Chan finished eating, he decided to take a stroll outside before going back to the apartment. There was nothing to do back there so he thought that he might as well spend the rest of the day here outside.

Chan would never admit it but there was always a tiny part of him that wanted to go back home. He left a piece of him that he wanted to get back and bring it with him in this city. Only that piece of him would make him call this place home. It was his only reason to not leave; he was still waiting for the right moment to get that piece back. And if he somehow did it, he would be the happiest person. But a part of his brain was telling him that it wouldn’t happen. He already left it, it might be gone for good or maybe after being away with it for a long time, it wouldn’t recognize him anymore. Chan realized it didn’t actually matter to him if it was still the same, he would get it back one way or another. But he needed to get over his fear of going back home first.

After a while, Chan decided to go back to his apartment. He wanted to take a bus but he needed to save money. He knew he would probably have blisters on his feet by the time he got there. When the sign turned green, Chan crossed the street. Everything happened so fast when he was halfway across the road. He heard the sound of an approaching car and when he looked to his right, he figured out that the car wouldn’t be on a full stop without hitting him. He could get out of there, there was still time for him to move and not to get hit. But his legs were weak, his feet were stuck. There was a thought in his mind that he wanted to get hit.

Then he was suddenly slammed into his back. He grunted because of the pain. It felt like his bones in his back cracked but that was only an exaggeration, of course. He didn’t get hit by the car, he knew that. He wouldn’t have felt this pain if he had, he should be numb and unconscious. Finally realizing that he had closed his eyes, he opened them. A pair of eyes full of concern was what he saw. It was the guy at the convenience store, the one who left. He was holding his face, his lips were moving. He was talking.

“—hear me? Are you alright? Oh my God, please tell me you didn’t hit your head hard. Are you feeling okay? Oh my God, what should I do? What if your head is bleeding, oh my God, that’s my fault! Does anything hurts? Are you—”

“I—I’m fine, I guess,” he croaked out, his throat was suddenly dry.

The guy helped him to stand. Chan’s knees felt like giving out and he was thankful for the guy holding his shoulders. His head hurt and he reached around to feel it. Nothing, there was no blood. He sighed in relief. The guy’s lips were moving again but Chan couldn’t hear it. He was now aware of his heart beating fast. His head started to pound. Was this the person in that car felt like when another car hit their car? Chan wanted to throw up.

He looked up again to the guy. They were now on the other side of the street where he was intended to go. How did he get here? He looked around. The car wasn’t there. The driver didn’t even have the decency to stop and check on him. Were the drivers in this city always like this? Chan shuddered as he remembered his thought of wanting to get hit earlier. How dared he thought of that? Did he really want to die and permanently not go back to get the part of him back home? Chan wanted to punch himself.

“Do you want me to get you home?”

Chan looked up. He shook his head as he pulled away from the guy’s arms. No, not home, never, not today. His breathing was getting hard, he wanted to go away, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to hide, he wanted to leave—

“Excuse me? Sir?”

He wanted to run.

And run he did.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The intruder was a boy clad in all black. If the situation wasn’t a bit scary for Soonyoung, he would have made a comment on how funny he looked in the big black jacket.

 

**S O O N Y O U N G**

 

 **“SO WHAT CHANGED** your mind?” Mingyu asked, putting the box on the ground. He wiped his sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand, and leaned against the wall. Wonwoo plopped down on the old battered couch and lay down, his arms behind his head. The two offered to help Soonyoung move his things, and Soonyoung couldn’t say no since he didn’t have his car with him. Jeonghan was there to help too. Seungcheol and Jisoo would have help but they still have classes.

Soonyoung merely shrugged. He didn’t know what came to his mind either. One second he was declaring his love for his apartment then the next he moved out. Yes, he realized that his old apartment bore an ugly memory but he knew that could go away just in time but why suddenly move out? Soonyoung sighed as he set down another box.

Somebody suddenly burst in through the door. Soonyoung, Jeonghan and Mingyu snapped, and Wonwoo sat up to see. Wonwoo lay down again when he saw that it was just Seungkwan, panting like he had been running for hours. “I got lost,” Seungkwan said, sitting down on the arm chair. “I thought your apartment is on the next floor, I almost barged in but thank God, the owner got out before I did it.”

Soonyoung laughed and shook his head. He picked the water bottles he brought earlier and gave them to his friends. Jeonghan sat on the other armchair. Mingyu sat down on the couch, letting Wonwoo’s legs rest on his lap. “Is that your excuse for being late for an hour?” Mingyu asked.

Seungkwan’s face scrunched up. “What? No, shut up. I told you I had work,” he replied in defense. “Plus, I saved a guy who looked like my age from being hit by a car today.”

Mingyu’s eyes widen. “Whoa, really?” he asked, his tone asking for more information.

“Yeah,” Seungkwan said. “He ran away though, he’s kinda weird but thankfully, he’s okay.”

“Well, that’s good,” Soonyoung commented.

Seungkwan looked deep in thought for a second. “Yeah. By the way, where’s Seokmin? I thought he’s going to help?” he asked, changing the subject.

“His sister made a surprise visit today and now he’s stuck with her, shopping at the mall,” Soonyoung answered, chuckling.

“Well, sometimes siblings are pain in the ass,” Jeonghan said.

Wonwoo snickered. “True,” he agreed.

Seungkwan’s brow furrowed. “You two have siblings? I didn’t know,” he said.

“I didn’t know too,” Soonyoung said.

“I have a sister and a brother, both are younger than me,” said Jeonghan.

“I have a brother,” Wonwoo confessed.

Soonyoung snapped his fingers, remembering that one time Wonwoo told them about his brother. It was only last year when they were still freshmen, they had talk about their families one day when all of them were homesick. “The one who’s studying in the states, right? What’s his name again? Jojo?”

Wonwoo rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and by the way, his name is Xoan, not Jojo,” he said.

“A Western name? That’s cool,” Jeonghan commented. “I hope my brother’s name is cool too.”

“And I got the boring name,” said Wonwoo.

Seungkwan scoffed. “You’re lucky you even got a name,” he said.

“Oh, shut up, Seungkwan,” Wonwoo shot back.

Seungkwan only made a face, then mouthed and mocked what Wonwoo said. Mingyu laughed hard, seeing Seungkwan’s face while Wonwoo only grunted in disapproval. The five of them talked for at least twenty minutes until Mingyu and Wonwoo decided to come home. Apparently, the two were going to watch the horror movies marathon tonight. They wanted to do it in Soonyoung’s apartment but the said boy didn’t have a TV yet.

“I should go too,” said Jeonghan, standing up from the couch. “I lost a bet to Seungcheol and Jisoo, and now, I have to make the dinner everyday.”

“That sucks,” Soonyoung said.

Jeonghan sighed. “I know.”

Seungkwan stood up too. “I should also go so you can unpack your things and clean a bit,” he said, doing a hand gesture about the surrounding. “Your apartment is so messy right now, damn. I mean your apartment is always messy but you know what I mean.”

“It’s just because your apartment is abnormally clean,” Soonyoung argued.

“What do you mean abnormally?” Seungkwan’s eyes squinted at Soonyoung.

“Have you seen your apartment? It’s super clean like there’s no even dirt on the corners. How do you even have the time to clean it?” Soonyoung questioned.

“Shut up,” Seungkwan grumbled.

Soonyoung laughed in triumph which made Jeonghan smack him on the back. “Ow! What was that for?”

“Stop bullying the poor kid,” Jeonghan said, pointing at Seungkwan who was pouting like a child.

“Hey! I’m not a kid!” Seungkwan protested.

“Whatever,” Jeonghan replied. “Let’s go so Soonyoung can unpack now.” Jeonghan ushered the younger outside as they bid Soonyoung goodbye.

As soon as the door was closed and locked, Soonyoung faced his new apartment—which was not totally new in the sense of the construction. It was very old, the walls needed to be repainted, the corners of the ceiling had cobwebs, the floor was covered with ripped linoleum, and everything was still dusty after they did a clean up earlier. This apartment would do fine even if it was old and unpleasantly not good looking. It was a new sight to Soonyoung and he liked it, which was a first since he always disliked new things and experiences. This apartment was also bigger since he had his own bedroom but the rent was cheaper than his old apartment. Soonyoung yawned, stretching his tired limbs. The sun was only setting but he wanted to rest early.

“I’ll just go unpack the important things first,” he said to himself.

One of the things that Soonyoung reminded to himself was to never forget where you placed the scissors again. He had to spend minutes finding for the scissors, and by the time he found it, he was drenched in sweat. He started to open one of the large boxes when the door suddenly opened. It was clear in his mind that he had locked the door so how did someone get in easily? Soonyoung’s first instinct was to grip the scissors tighter, his back was facing the door so he couldn’t see the intruder right away. Then he jumped up and spun around, the scissors pointed in front of him.

The intruder was a boy clad in all black. If the situation wasn’t a bit scary for Soonyoung, he would have made a comment on how funny he looked in the big black jacket. Then he focused on the boy’s face. His eyes, they looked scared. Soonyoung remembered that he was still pointing the scissors so he quickly put his hand down.

“Who are you?” Soonyoung asked.

No answer.

Soonyoung noticed the keys hanging on the doorknob. “Is this your apartment?” he asked. “The landlady said no one lives here. I’m sorry, we should talk about this—”

The boy strode past him, their shoulders brushing against each other, completely ignoring Soonyoung and his rambling.

“—or maybe not. Sure.”

Soonyoung turned around to see the boy walking inside the bathroom. He immediately followed and saw the boy opening the mirror which was actually also a medicine cabinet. Soonyoung would have never guess that it could be opened not if for the boy. The whole cabinet part was in the wall and when it was closed, there were no hinges visible outside. The mirror was blocking his view and he only saw what the boy was getting when it was in his hands. A bottle of medicine. It was Ativan.

A sudden worry and panic rose inside Soonyoung. There was a random boy in his bathroom, who was probably having a panic or anxiety attack. His mind rambled, _what to do, what to do, what to do_. How was he supposed to know what to do?

The boy’s hands were shaking as he opened the medicine bottle. Soonyoung hesitated to approach him but he did, slowly, step by step. He was going to place his hand on the boy’s shoulder when he dropped the medicine bottle, the pills scattering on the floor. Soonyoung stepped back and put his hand down.

“Hey,” he said in a soft voice.

But the boy didn’t seem to hear him. He was in his bathroom but his mind was too far away from there. He was staring at his shaking hands. Soonyoung noticed how slim his fingers were and how long his nails were. It wasn’t the type of pretty shaped nails, no, it was more kind of long ragged nails which definitely looked like they had been chipped and broken a few times. Soonyoung tried to approach the stranger again. When he was going to put his hand on his shoulder again, he leaned against the wall, and slid down to the floor.

“Hey,” he said softly again.

Then the boy broke down.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two of them stood in the middle of the room, looking at everywhere but each other’s eyes. The silence was loud, the air was cold, the awkwardness was thick, Chan wanted to hide.

 

**C H A N**

 

 **CHAN WOKE UP** with a jolt. His head felt like someone was drilling into it, his vision was swirling, and his breathing was hard. His nightmare was always going to be the same one, and it was the main reason he never liked to sleep. It had been a long time since he had that dream—nightmare—and he wanted to cry again. He forced his tears back. No, he didn’t want to cry now. Chan lay back down and rolled around, only to fall and hit the floor with a loud thump.

“Shit. I forgot,” he muttered, rubbing his arms.

The lights suddenly turned on, blinding Chan for a while. “What are you doing on the floor? Are you okay?” a concerned voice asked.

Chan rubbed his eyes. “None of your business.”

The boy walked toward him, and held his hand out. Chan was propped on his elbows and only stared at his hand. The boy wiggled his hand, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to stand up?”

Chan eventually took his hand, grunting as the boy pulled him up. He dusted the dirt off his clothes. When he looked at the boy once again, he was staring at him. “What?” he asked.

“No thank you?”

Chan just stared at him.

The boy sighed. “Okay. Did you sleep well? I told you to take my bed—”

“Yeah, I remember. I slept just fine,” Chan said.

The boy nodded. “Good.”

The two of them stood in the middle of the room, looking at everywhere but each other’s eyes. The silence was loud, air was cold, the awkwardness was thick, Chan wanted to hide. Thinking about what had happened hours ago made him clench his fists. Not only he made an embarrassment of himself, he also had let someone know about his secret hiding place. It wasn’t really his fault. The moment the boy stepped inside this apartment, it was bound to happen that someone would knew about his hiding place. It had just happened sooner.

The apartment across Chan was bigger than his, it had its own bedroom, living room, and bigger kitchen. It had been empty for almost a year now and the landlady only found out about it a few weeks ago when she was about to ask for the pay rent. The previous tenant had always paid for one year amount of rent in one go so the landlady never went to the tenant’s room. The previous tenant was a very introvert person, and everyone knew it, and that was why nobody questioned why they never saw the man. But the man had run away and no one knew about it but Chan, who had witnessed how he had hastily left the room open with his keys hanging on the doorknob. Chan never heard of the man ever again.

Chan cleared his throat. “Hey, Soonyeo, I should probably go...”

“Soonyoung.”

“Uh, what?”

“My name, it’s Soonyoung not Soonyeo.”

“Oh, my bad. Sorry,” he apologized. He must had misheard him when he said his name earlier. “I really should go.” Chan turned around to walk toward the door.

“What’s your name?” the boy, Soonyoung, asked.

Chan pretended not to hear him and went out of the apartment, hearing Soonyoung ask his name again as he closed the door behind him. Chan quickly went inside his apartment. The room was dark again, only the moonlight illuminating the place. He threw the keys to his right where he knew where the table would be. When he heard the keys sliding onto the wood, he removed his shoes, and went to his bed.

He sighed. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a panic attack. His doctor had prescribed the pills but Chan never came back to the doctor. Just seeing the walls of his doctor’s office made him anxious. Weeks after abandoning the doctor when the panic and anxiety attacks stopped, the sight of the medicine bottles made him want to flush them down the toilet. But he hid them in the apartment across from his just in case. He was glad he kept them.

Chan closed his eyes, knowing that he wouldn’t be asleep for the next hours.

* * *

Chan stared at the wooden sign hanging on the side of the coffee shop next to his apartment. The said wooden sign was swinging slightly because of the cold wind. It wasn’t catchy to say the least, Chan wouldn’t even notice it not for the strong wind that made the chains produce loud squeaky sounds that he found annoying. Chan realized that he was nervous after staring at the sign for a few minutes. He breathed in deeply, feeling his lungs filled with cold air.

“Or maybe I shouldn’t do this,” he muttered to himself. “But I’d be broke and I’d starve then the old lady would kick me out, I’d die in the streets.” Chan lightly bounced on his feet, nibbling on his lower lip before entering the coffee shop.

The first thing he acknowledge was how the warmth enveloped his body. He sighed in contentment, he liked it. Everything was built with wood which made the ambiance cozier. But the thing he didn’t like was that the coffee shop was loud, at least for him. Chan lived alone for a long time already so he had grew accustomed to quiet environments. Outside was louder but he would spend many hours here unlike outside, he could slip away from all the noise. If he would get the job, that was.

Chan realized that he had been standing at the door for too long when people had started to bump into him, giving side comments. He ignored them and went to find the manager-looking one. He looked at the counter, all of them were just cashiers and baristas. Maybe the manager wasn’t around.

“What are you looking for, my dear?”

Chan jumped at the sudden voice. Beside him was a middle-aged woman, a smile illuminating her face. Everything about her screamed kindness, from the smile, to her eyes, to her clothes, to her hands, even to her hair. “Are you the manager?”

“I’m the owner,” said the woman.

“Oh, I was just, y’know, um, trying to see if you still need employees.” Chan wanted to bit his tongue.

“Yes, actually we do!” The woman’s smile got even bigger. Chan wanted to flinch away, the woman was too bright. “Mia is gonna resign soon, so what do you think about being a waiter?”

“Sounds good to me.”

The woman nodded, smiling again. “Good, you’ll start now.” She started to walk away.

That was it? He was hired? “W-what do you mean?”

The woman looked back at him incredulously. “Let’s see if you can do it. I hope you’re not busy today. Follow me.”

Chan followed the woman into the room with an _Employees Only_ sign. It was empty and small, and surprisingly clean even the atmosphere was old. There was an old rusty locker at the left side, a foggy body mirror, a table with two chairs, a time clock, and another door on the right with a _Manager’s Office_ sign. They went in to the office which was more pleasant than the room outside but it was somehow smaller. If Chan was claustrophobic, he wouldn’t last ten seconds in the room. The woman went to her desk and pulled out a plastic from one of the drawers.

“Here’s your uniform,” the woman informed, and handed it out to Chan. 

“I’m really gonna start now?” Chan still sounded surprised.

The woman shoved the plastic into Chan’s hands. “Don’t worry, it’s an easy job. You’ll do just fine. Now, wear that.”

Chan stared at the woman in disbelief. He had no choice but to start now. He ripped the plastic open, not even caring when the woman gave him a look when he threw the plastic on the floor. Chan put the brown apron and tied it on the back, then he wore the brown visor. Chan thought he looked ludicrous.

The woman ushered him outside after that. She told Chan the basic rules, what-to-dos, and what-not-to-dos as they walked to the counter. As far as Chan could understand from the woman’s babbling, Chan was supposed to give the order from the counter to the designated customer name written on the receipt. Chan nodded without realizing it. The woman had introduced him to the other five employees—one cashier, two baristas, and two waitresses—whose names he forgot after the second they were introduced.

Chan forgot when the woman had left him. He came into his senses hearing the obnoxious bell ringing. He looked to his side to find one of the baristas pulling the rope of the small bell rapidly while looking at him. Chan fought the urge to punch the guy who only stopped the ringing until Chan picked up the tray of coffee from the counter. He could have told him that the order was ready. They were literally standing next to each other.

Chan bit his lip, not wanting to say something and ruin their first impression of him. He might lose the job. He looked at the receipt, a name was scrawled at the bottom: Soonyoung. Chan wondered if it was the same Soonyoung he knew. He looked around the coffee shop, and there he was, sitting at the corner farthest from the door, fiddling with his hands. Chan walked over to him, carefully not spilling the cup of coffee.

“One Americano for Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung looked up briskly, meeting Chan’s eyes. Chan watched as the Soonyoung took the time to register his face. His lips pulled into a smile as he realized it was his order. “Oh, right...err, yeah.” His voice was barely heard.

Chan placed the cup of coffee carefully on to the table. He noticed that Soonyoung’s shoulders were stiff. He wondered if the boy was meeting someone and that what was making him nervous. First date in a coffee shop was very common and some of them didn’t end well so he wouldn’t be surprised if the boy was nervous for his first date.

“Anything else?” he asked, trying to make his tone not too cold like his normal one.

“Uh, no.” The boy shook his head. “That’s all.”

Chan nodded, forcing a smile like a good waiter he was. “Chan.” Then he went back to the counter.

Chan never looked back to see Soonyoung’s reaction. He must have been confused, he thought. But after that, the coffee shop became very busy because it was lunch time. The vexatious noise and the chattering made him want to smash his head against the nearest table. But Chan pulled through, barely. He wondered how he would survive this for the next few days.

The woman—Mrs. Go—allowed Chan to go early than the others, telling him that it was only his first day and that he should rest. Chan had put his apron and visor in his locker. The job was tiring but it would do for him. And he actually earned tips! Chan hoped his good facade would stay longer than usual. When Chan emerged from the staff room, his ears were unwelcomely welcomed by the shouting.

“You gotta stop ruining the orders!” bellowed one of the waitresses.

The cashier rolled her eyes. “I only made one mistake! Why are you treating me like I murdered someone or something?”

Chan quietly exited the scene, his head down low. Good thing there were no customers around or else, there would be no customers ever if they had witnessed the inane bickering they were having. Chan got out of the coffee shop when he heard Mrs. Go intervene.

Chan took a deep breath as he looked at his surroundings. It was seven in the evening—or that was what Chan guessed. The place was turning dark and the lights were already glimmering in various colors like fireflies. The night air was piercing him through his skin to his bones. There were many people as always, and Chan felt like drowning again. He watched as a group of friends, who looked like on their way home from school, laugh from a distance. He smiled bitterly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw, idk if it's obvious already but this fic will tackle mental health issues as stated in the tags. NOTHING GRAPHIC, so don't worry. i'm not adding the mental health issue just for fun or so it'll have that vibe (i don't wanna romanticize this serious topic). this work has become my outlet, and i hope that other people would be aware that seeking help is fine (it's not going to be easy but it might be a huge help). so yeah i just wanna clarify that in case some people are wondering.


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